I Pwn You
by Twin Wives
Summary: Elphaba decides she pwns Nessa, but Nessa disagrees, and a whole lot of chaos is caused because of this. Cracky-ish. Involves Elphaba, Nessa, Boq, Fiyero, and Glinda...pairings are Fiyeraba, bits of Bessa and bits of Gloq. so far .
1. In Which There is Pwning Troubles

**A/N: This is a joint account between Amythista and TheGirlDefyingGravity (personal pen names). This is what came out of one of our AIM conversations...enjoy. Please don't take offense to anything that is said.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own _Wicked_. If we did, would we write fanfiction about it? Actually, we're not sure...**

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"Nessa," said Elphaba comfortably one day. "I have decided I pwn you."

Nessa looked up from her book. "Excuse me?"

"I pwn you," Elphaba repeated. "I'm green, I get Fiyero and his white pants, and I get awesome solos. Therefore I pwn you."

"Ooo," sighed Nessa. "I love his white pants..."

Elphaba smirked. "Yep. All mine."

Nessa frowned. "Well, I have Boq and his..."

"His?" prompted Elphaba. Nessa glared at her.

"His awesome shirt and tie! AND I get solos that are awesome and I have amazing stockings. Ha."

Elphaba sighed. "Nessa, my solos are better. And besides, you have a wheelchair."

"No they aren't!" said an outraged Nessa.

"Plus you don't get a broom!" Elphaba continued, pretending not to hear her.

Nessa scoffed. "Well, people can push me around so I have to use no effort for transportation!" She glared at her sister. "I get to be governor!"

Elphaba threw up her arms. "You enslave the one you love!" she exclaimed loudly.

"At least the whole freaking country doesn't think I'm a terrorist!" said Nessa, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I terrorize people!" cried Elphaba. "It's FUN!"

"You almost get your boyfriend beaten to death in a corn field!" yelled Nessa.

"At least I didn't turn mine to TIN and blame is on my SISTER!" Elphaba screamed.

"At least I didn't turn mine into STRAW! At least I didn't leave my sister for like THREE FREAKING YEARS!" Nessa screeched.

"AT LEAST I LIVE!!!!!" screamed Elphaba at the top of her lungs.

Nessa crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "Hey, I MIGHT'VE lived. Maybe I just didn't want the whole world to know I lived!"

"You got CRUSHED BY A HOUSE!" exclaimed Elphaba in exasperation.

"You got MELTED BY WATER!" defended Nessa.

"I LIVED!" Elphaba screeched.

"I MIGHT'VE LIVED!" yelled Nessa. "I'M FATHER'S FAVORITE DAUGHTER!"

"AT LEAST I HAD FRIENDS!"

"I HAD A FRIEND TOO!"

"WHO?"

"And I had an adorable boyfriend..." Nessa's voice got dreamy.

"BOQ HATED YOU!"

"BOQ DIDN'T HATE ME! HE JUST WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE OF GLINDA!"

"HE WAS IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND! Besides, I'M GREEN!

"YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS IN LOVE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND! AND I'M CAUCASIAN!" added Nessa.

"MY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH HER TO BE WITH ME!" screamed Elphaba.

"MY BOYFRIEND JUST OVERREACTED A LITTLE TO BEING

TINIFIED!" yelled Nessa.

"CAUCASIONISM IS OVERRATED!" Elphaba started, than snorted at Nessa's next sentence. "Overreacted?"

"BEING GREEN IS OVERRATED!" continued Nessa. "AND I'M FUNNY WHEN I'M DRUNK!"

"Being GREEN is AWESOME! AND AT LEAST I'M LOGICAL!"

"I'M DRUNK!" screamed Nessa.

"THAT'S BAD!" yelled Elphaba!

"But I'm FUNNY when I'm drunk!" defended Nessa. "I GO TO THE BAR TO DO WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY GO TO BARS!"

"It's considered BAD to be drunk! You...you...DRUNKARD!"

"You're in a bar! Anti-drinkers don't go to bars!"

"I do!"

"You're a weirdo!"

"So are you! I told you before, Nessa! I PWN YOU! AND THAT'S

THE END OF IT!"

"I told YOU before, Elphaba, I pwn YOU!" Nessa struck a pose. "All of my life I've depended on you..."

"I told you first!" continued Elphaba.

"How do you think that feels? All of my life I've depended on you-" sang Nessa.

"Don't sing your solo now!" said Elphaba, annoyed.

"And this hideous chair with wheels!" sang Nessa.

"LA LA LA!" screamed Elphaba, covering her ears and blocking out her sister's singing.

"I HAVE MORE THAN ONE SOLO THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

"I think I'll try defying gravity!" sang Elphaba. "Name the others!"

"Dancing through life parts! Oh, don't try to wow me with Defying Gravity...way to make me feel good about myself..."

"You have lame solos." issued Elphaba calmly. "I have like fifteen awesome ones.

"I have excellent solos, thank you very much!"

"MINE ARE COOLER!"

"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T ELOPE WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S EX!"

"I FLY AT THE END OF THE FIRST ACT!!!"

"I GET ENCHANTED SHOES TO LEARN HOW TO WALK NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND ACT!"

"I DON'T TURN MY BOYFRIEND INTO TIN WHILE LITERALLY TRYING TO STEAL HIS HEART!"

"I DON'T TURN MY BOYFRIEND INTO STRAW AFTER ALLOWING GUARDS TO TAKE HIM INTO A CORNFIELD WHERE THEY BEAT HIM TO DEATH!"

"I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO!"

"I DIDN'T WANT MINE TO TURN TO TIN…HEY, YOU TURNED HIM INTO TIN, NOT ME!"

"DO YOU THINK I'M A FRICKIN' BOYFRIEND KILLER?" yelled Elphaba.

"YES!" screamed Nessa in return. "YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND AND YOURS!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Elphaba in disbelief. "You just blamed it on me!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAST THE SPELL TO TURN HIM TO TIN!" yelled Nessa.

"Well..." Elphaba hesitated. She got up and opened the script to _Wicked_, which was in a bookshelf across the room. She muttered to herself as she turned the pages, and her hand rested on a page as she read it and frowned. She slammed the book shut and turned to her sister. "Ok, fine!" she yelled. "But to save his life! You shrunk his heart to nothing!"

"Well, you couldn't save Fiyero from the cornfield with your magic!"

"Magic can only go so far! You don't even have any magic!"

"I HAD TO HAVE A LITTLE TO BE ABLE TO....DO WHAT I DID IN ACT TWO!"

"You could read the book, but you read it wrong!"

"Well I had to have magic to read the book at all, didn't I?" Nessa smirked.

"No! You just can read the stupid thing! It's in your blood from Mom's side! I can read it properly because our mom was a slut! SO HA!"

"Well I guess I can just be the emo girl in the mirror and cry myself to death now, hm? Even my own freaking sister ditched me."

"See! You're emo!" said Elphaba, pointing her index finger at her sister.

"I NEED PROFFESIONAL HELP! EVERYONE I LOVED LEFT ME!" screamed Nessa.

"NO ONE LIKES YOU!" screamed Elphaba back.

"What's with all the noise?" asked Fiyero, poking his head in from the kitchen.

Nessa started to cry. "I like a lot of people!" Silence. "My sister's being a....bad word. I'm not sure if you mind occasional cursing," Nessa said, crossing her arms.

"Not to my wife..." said Fiyero in confusion.

"Nessa started it!" exclaimed Elphaba

"No, you did!" retorted Nessa.

"YOU DID!"

"YOU DID!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" yelled Fiyero.

"NO!" they screamed in unison.

"BOQ!" Fiyero called loudly. "I need backup!"


	2. In Which There is Much Making Out

A/N: Hello! It's Thista this time. Girly posted the last chapter. Erm...we do not own. It would awesomely awesome if we did, but we don't. Boo.

THE LAST TIME WE SAW OUR IDIOTS HEROES:

_"Nessa started it!" exclaimed Elphaba._

_"No, you did!" retorted Nessa._

_"YOU DID!"_

_"YOU DID!"_

_"WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" yelled Fiyero._

_"NO!" they screamed in unison._

_"BOQ!" Fiyero called loudly. "I need backup!"_

Boq walked in, magically not a Tin Man anymore. He was clad in his silver servant Munchkinland outfit. Fiyero sighed.

"Boq, our wives seem to be fighting about who pwns who. Can you please help...?"

The Munchkin in question seemed to spaz out. "My wife?! When did Nessa become my wife?!"

Elphaba looked annoyed. "Since one of the authors deemed it so, fearing it to become an angst fic. Now be quiet." Nessa's jaw had dropped before Elphaba's statement but after Boq's.

"How could you forget how that author made me sign the law deeming us husband and wife?! That was the law the Eldest of the Twin Wives made me sign in that fanfiction she never released and most likely never will."

Fiyero rolled his eyes. "Yesh, Boq, she's a rabid Bessa fangirl. For Oz's sake, get with the program. Why do you think I'm magically no longer a scarecrow and married to Elphaba?"

"The other author's an obsessed Fiyeraba fangirl." stated Elphaba primly

"Exactly!" responded Fiyero.

"Where are the raving Flinda fangirls?" Glinda asked, pouting and crossing her arms.

"Erm...are there any?" Fiyero asked Elphaba, who shrugged. Suddenly he realized who he was talking to and whipped his head around. "When did you get here?" he asked in disbelief. Glinda shrugged. "I was just upstairs. Remember, the authors didn't want this to become angsty, so I live with you now."

"Miss Glinda had been here since Chapter 1," Boq commented. Nessa's eyes narrowed at Boq.

"Boq..." Elphaba said warningly.

"Elphaba..." Boq replied mock-warningly.

"Boq..." started Fiyero nervously.

"GLINDA!" squealed Glinda happily.

Nessa rolled her eyes. "Boq," Nessa said to him with a death glare, her arms crossed.

"Can we stop staying Boq's name now?" asked Elphaba wearily.

"Whatever you want, sister dear," sighed Nessa.

Boq looked scared. He started backing away, but Nessa went after him. Boq flung the door open and ran out of the room, but Nessa was still wheeling angrily after him. Elphaba, Fiyero, and Glinda could still hear the sound of Munchkin feet hitting the floor and Nessa's wheelchair rolling.

"Wow," the trio said in unison.

"This should be interesting." said Elphaba.

Five minutes passed...in silence. Glinda was starting to get fidgety until she couldn't stand it anymore. "Why is it so quiet in here?"

Elphaba and Fiyero broke apart. "Because we've been making out." said Elphaba crossly.

Glinda's jaw dropped and she gasped. "In front of me?! That's terribly rude!"

Fiyero shrugged. "C'est la vie."

"Hooby whatty?" Glinda asked, a questioning gaze on her face.

"That's life..." said Fiyero, disappointed that his clever French quote wasn't understood.

"But you should treat life nicely!" said Glinda crossly, crossing her arms and legs.

"I am," stated Fiyero, leaning in to kiss his wife again.

"Don't you dare kiss her!" Glinda snapped, running over to the couple and pushing Fiyero away from Elphaba.

"She's my wife!" complained Fiyero, trying to get back to his annoyed spouse.

Glinda wrestled him to the floor.

Elphaba deftly levitated her off of him.

"Elphie!" Glinda cried. "I thought you were cheering me on; we're best friends!"

Elphaba gave her an I-can't-believe-you look. "He's my husband! You looked like you were going to kiss him!"

"I wouldn't have!" Glinda protested.

Both gave her a look.

She blushed. "I wouldn't risk a friendship over a man,"

Another look.

"Why am I getting the strange looks?"

Glinda shifted uncomfortably.

Both shrugged and resumed making out.

Glinda sighed and rolled her eyes. And then suddenly Boq and Nessa came back, both panting and faces tinted pink.

"Awwwwkward..." commented Fiyero.

Elphaba, looking annoyed that Fiyero broke the kiss, pulled him back into it.

Both resumed making out.

Nessa rolled her eyes, and Boq seeing that making out was the main subject, began to make out with Nessa.

"What about me????" complained Glinda, annoyed.

No one answered.

"Should I make out with the wall then?"

No response.

Glinda sighed and began to make out with the wall.

Everyone stopped and watching her.

Glinda, sensing people staring at her, stopped. "What?"

Everyone began making out with their respective partners again.

Including Glinda.


	3. In Which There is an Author's Note

Thista: Hey guys! We have a bit of an activity for the next chapter; ask the Wicked characters questions!

Nessa: ...must we...?

Thista: Yes. So give us your questions! Any question! ...please...we need plot...must...have...plot...

Elphaba: ...while Thista reads fanfiction in an attempt to quench her need for plotlines, please ask questions! Or give ideas! Or tell us what you ate for dinner! Thank you!


	4. In Which There are Elpheryoindaish Q&A

A/N: Okay, folks, Ashley/Girly/TheGirlDefyingGravity/the eldest of TwinWives/the Bessa half/whatever else. First off, thank you **so **much for the lovely reviews! They make us really happy :D

And second off, what we're going to do is for each person who reviewed with an idea (this applies to future reviews as well), we will make it into a chapter, and dedicate the chapter to that person.

We're doing it in order of reviews (like this chapter is based off of the first review we got that contained an idea for our fic in it, then the next will be the second review we got that contained an idea, etc.). So we're not playing favorites :). And if you include what you ate for dinner in your review, we'll try our hardest to incorporate your dinner/snack in the chapter. As of 10:03 EST on January 22nd, 2010, the order we will be writing the chapters based off ideas are Twilight4everTD12's idea, ElianaMargalit's idea, My Blue Winged Angel's idea, ghostly bender's idea, and LoveBroadway1510's idea (that's the order you all reviewed in).

Once again, thank you so much for being such wonderful readers! :D

**This chapter is based off of the ideas of and dedicated to**: Twilight4everTD12.

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We zoomed in on our five favorite people, whom were bored as usual. Suddenly the authoresses popped in.

"Glinda," the eldest of the twin wives asked. "How much make-up do you wear? Just out of curiosity. I wear make-up, too; well, just a little, but yeah."

"Oh! I love talking about make-up!" Glinda squealed. "I wear face powder, blush, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, lip stick, sometimes lip gloss...I think that's it!" She bounced. Elphaba raised an eyebrow. "Plus I do lots of various different skin cares…"

"Oh. I don't wear nearly that much, but your make-up looks very nice," the eldest said, smiling. "You look very pretty, though. But I have a question." Glinda raised one of her perfectly done eyebrows, but was still bouncing. "Would you rather live forever without wearing any make-up or marry Boq?"

An assortment of things happened that that moment: Boq looked hopeful, Nessa smacked him, Elphaba choked, Fiyero thumped her on the back, and Glinda looked frightened.

"Well..." Glinda said, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Could I still wear mascara and lip gloss if I chose the first option?"

Both authoresses looked at each other.

"Well..." said the youngest slowly. "If I said yes, would you choose the first option?"

Glinda nodded unsurely.

"THAT SETTLES IT!" the authoress exclaimed, game show music playing randomly in the background and bright flashes of light behind her. "Glinda chooses option one IF she can wear mascara and lip gloss, but otherwise chooses option two!"

"What does that proove?" asked an unsettled Fiyero.

:"I…er…nothing..." stuttered the younger, game show music dying.

Silence.

"Well, we asked our readers what they wanted to know, and this was one of the questions," the eldest stated. "Now, Fiyero, we have a question for you."

"Uh oh." said Fiyero immediately, turning pale. "Is this about the Neytiri versus Fae thing? Cause I swear..." he shut up as soon as he felt Elphaba's glare on him.

"Who. Is. That?" she growled.

"I-uh-no! It's just-she's blue-and-they think I'm attracted to colorful people-and-uh..." He began to sweat.

The eldest decided she should break the bad feeling. "No, it's not that! The question is, would you rather make out with Elphaba in a closet, eat cotton candy, or somehow manage to do both?"

"Oh. Both," he said dreamily. "It's a great combo..." he and Elphaba looked at each other and laughed, then looked at each other, then…

"WE WILL MOVE AHEAD TO KEEP THIS AT A T RATING!" the youngest shouted..

"TMI! TMI! TMI!" screamed Boq, Nessa, and Glinda-

"Damn, what's with the projector-?" some random person that probably won't appear again and are not sure why they were even in the fic yelled.

"BACK TO YOUR FIC!" the same person from above screamed. Then they magically disappeared.

"My innocence is RUINED!" Nessa shrieked. "Well, actually not any more than it was before because-" she stopped and blushed. "Never mind," she muttered, looking down at the floor.

Silence reigned supreme.

"Nessie?" Elphaba inquired. "What are you talking about...?"

"Wallie and Glinda are engaged, aren't you, Glinda?!" Boq jumped in hastily.

Oh, yes..." said Glinda dreamily, patting the wall...which was when the inevitable happened: an OC walked in.

Everyone screamed in surprise.

Who-who are you?" Nessa whimpered.

"I'm Aidian." he supplied. "The youngest twin noticed that there's a lot of Glinda/OC OCs named Aidian, and she used it once even before she discovered fanfiction, so that's my name."

Everyone sighed in relief at the realization that it wasn't a Gary Stu.

The eldest grinned. "Now the plan is going perfectly!" she muttered, then cleared her throat, deciding to change the subject. "Elphaba, we have a question for you."

"Yes?" Elphaba replied, still in a bad mood.

"Would you rather live as a Galinda drone or turn Fiyero back into a scarecrow? The eldest proceeded to ask.

Elphaba, still fuming about Neytiri, looked up. "Turn Fiyero back into a scarecrow," she said angrily.

Fiyero inched away.

"That's a good idea, Fiyero," Nessa told him. "I lived with my sister for many, many years." She paused thoughtfully. "You might want to grab one of those pillows."

Elphaba looked ready to explode, but at the last second she randomly dragged Fiyero into a long make out session that we will not describe for fear of this fic becoming and M. Plus the fact that we're young.

"I think my little sister's mind has been corrupted," the eldest stated.

"Yours has too!" the younger replied irritably.

"Good point, but I AM the older one!"

The sisters continued to argue, Fiyero and Elphaba were still making out, and Boq and Nessa looked at each other, shrugged, and began to make out as well, while Glinda and Aidian sat in the corner, eating oatmeal cookies together.


End file.
